The Manic Depressive’s Alphabet

A is for antipsychotics, the only advertised long term solution

B for the beta blockers bought to slow the boom boom of a beating heart

C as in chronic: (of an illness) persisting for a longtime or constantly recurring, causing comorbidity, so they recommend cognitive behavioural therapy

D dials the DSM-5 handing out diagnosis after diagnosis, giving label to your distractibility and decreased need for sleep, so they recommend dialectical behavioral therapy where they teach you distress tolerance to dilute your delusions

E is ensure, the vanilla-flavored meal replacement drink for when you cannot eat during medication switches to the extended release formula

F is for your feelings, experienced at an alarming intensity in comparison to the average human, they tell you this is dangerous (they being doctors who don’t know your name if not reading it off of your file, they being doctors who diagnose and prescribe after ten minutes in a room with you) they tell you this can be fatal, which, honestly, sounds kind of fucking fun

G for the gatorade, one bottle in every room, two in the bathroom

H takes you to the hospital, high off hypomania, where you will check yourself in and admit you need the help. Here they will diagnose you with something we used to call, “hysteria”

I is for interpersonal effectiveness, the module in DBT that teaches you how to keep your friends despite your irritable instability

J is for “Just kidding!” after you’ve said too much, too quick

K is when you promise you will not kill yourself, without calling her first

L is the lithium, to stop the lows, to lighten the load

M represents MAD pride, a mass madness movement for mental health service users, and the aligned, advocating that individuals with mental illness should be, could be, proud to be MAD

N is for normal, you need badly to be so, and so you take the pills but all you are is numb and nauseous and still quite neurotic

O is overprescribed! Four years on 250 mg of lithium and four on 250 mg of seroquel, all before you can legally drink

P is for the panic disorder the psychiatrist diagnoses you with. It explains your paranoia (but not your promiscuity) you leave his office with a prescription for propranolol

Q is for the quetiapine you still can’t quit

R is racing thoughts and for the rate of suicide, running at 19% for everyone with this disorder

S is for side effects. You are so stupidly sedated but at least now you sleep off the sexual trauma and suspected schizophrenia

T is still triggered, despite every treatment

U is for unemployed, the long stretches where you are more ill than you are useful

V is for the vacant look in your eyes and the voices in your head

W is for the withdrawal, when you stop taking the wellbutrin

X is for xanax, which they’ll put you on for three months you don’t remember at 16

Y is for yoga, which actually, you practise daily. It helps, yet you still want to die

Z is for zyprexa, the drug you finally refuse to take