Distinction

CONGRATULATIONS!
You, (insert name here), have just won A UNIQUE &
FABULOUS PRIZE.
Within the next 24 hours, you are GUARANTEED to receive the
   one & only COMB OF THE WORLD--authentic, conveniently
   pocket-sized, the distance between individual teeth measurable
   only by Scanning Electron Microscope (complimentary cathode-
   ray vacuum tube & fluorescent screen included).
Yes! With THE original fine-tooth comb, you can finally bid
   farewell forever to those armies of predatory dust mites
   rampaging through your carpet, the pseudomonads clinging to 
   your dishtowel, the fungi burrowing through your plaster walls.
And by simply combing the air around you, you can obtain
   ongoing relief from bronchial congestion & occular irritation
   due to such unseen atmospheric impurities as volcanic ash;
   pulverized bone, hair, & skin; magnetized iron filings; residue
   of feathers & spider eggs; all varieties of catalytic powders;
   ammoniac, sulfuric, & phosphorescent gasses; chimney soot;
   fish scales; anthrax powder; floating ink & gold dust.
Romance, finances, or career in knots? THE COMB OF THE 
   WORLD's ever-efficient micro-filtrating action is guaranteed
   to loosen & release the psychically constricting clove hitch,
   timber hitch, bowline, & slipknot, as well as all varieties of
   syntactical & epistomological entanglings, irrelevancies, 
   obfuscations, & infelicities. 
THE COMB OF THE WORLD works wonders with phobias
   & existential misgivings--YOU, yes, YOU will now be able
   to separate wave from particle, fact from inference, truth
   from prevarication.
No more shadowy rustlings in the soul's undergrowth. No more
   tough little colonies of unregenerate sadnesses, or ragged
   ambiguities scuttling just out of reach. And those nearly
   imperceptible holes migrating through the rippling fabric
   of your etheric body?--you can comb them all out even as
   they rise!
And last but not least, though we possess only ABSOLUTE
   CONFIDENCE in our product, for your additional security 
   & peace of mind, THE TWEEZERS OF THE WORLD will be
   included for free.