CONGRATULATIONS! You, (insert name here), have just won A UNIQUE & FABULOUS PRIZE. Within the next 24 hours, you are GUARANTEED to receive the one & only COMB OF THE WORLD--authentic, conveniently pocket-sized, the distance between individual teeth measurable only by Scanning Electron Microscope (complimentary cathode- ray vacuum tube & fluorescent screen included). Yes! With THE original fine-tooth comb, you can finally bid farewell forever to those armies of predatory dust mites rampaging through your carpet, the pseudomonads clinging to your dishtowel, the fungi burrowing through your plaster walls. And by simply combing the air around you, you can obtain ongoing relief from bronchial congestion & occular irritation due to such unseen atmospheric impurities as volcanic ash; pulverized bone, hair, & skin; magnetized iron filings; residue of feathers & spider eggs; all varieties of catalytic powders; ammoniac, sulfuric, & phosphorescent gasses; chimney soot; fish scales; anthrax powder; floating ink & gold dust. Romance, finances, or career in knots? THE COMB OF THE WORLD's ever-efficient micro-filtrating action is guaranteed to loosen & release the psychically constricting clove hitch, timber hitch, bowline, & slipknot, as well as all varieties of syntactical & epistomological entanglings, irrelevancies, obfuscations, & infelicities. THE COMB OF THE WORLD works wonders with phobias & existential misgivings--YOU, yes, YOU will now be able to separate wave from particle, fact from inference, truth from prevarication. No more shadowy rustlings in the soul's undergrowth. No more tough little colonies of unregenerate sadnesses, or ragged ambiguities scuttling just out of reach. And those nearly imperceptible holes migrating through the rippling fabric of your etheric body?--you can comb them all out even as they rise! And last but not least, though we possess only ABSOLUTE CONFIDENCE in our product, for your additional security & peace of mind, THE TWEEZERS OF THE WORLD will be included for free.
From Clumsy by Claire Bateman. Copyright © 2003 by Claire Bateman. Reprinted by permission of New Issues Press. All rights reserved.