Let us be apart then like the panoptical chambers in IC patient X and patient Y, our names magic markered hurriedly on cardboard and taped pell-mell to the sliding glass doors, "Mary", "Donald", "Tory"; an indication that our presence there would prove beyond temporary, like snow flurry. Our health might be regained if aggressive medical action were taken, or despite these best efforts, lost like missing children in the brambles of poor fortune. The suffering of another's I can only envision through the mimesis of my own, the alarming monitor next door in lieu of a heartbeat signifying cardiac arrest, prompts a scurry of interns and nurses, their urgent footsteps to which I listen, inert and prostrate, as if subject to the ground tremors of a herd of buffalo or horses, just a blur in the parched and post-nuclear distance. I listen, perhaps the way the wounded will listen to the continuing war, so different sounding than before, the assault of noise now deflected against consciousness rather than serving as motivation for patriotism and targets. Like fistfuls of dirt loaded with pebbles and rocks thrown at my front door, I knew that the footsteps would soon be running to me also. The blood pressure cuff swaddled around my arm pumped in its diastolic state independently like an iced organ ready for transplant as I witnessed with one circular rove of my eyes my body now dissected into television sets, like one of those asymmetrical structures that serves as a model for a molecular unity in elementary science classes. And the plastic bags of IV fluids that hung above me, a Miró-like mobile or iconic toy for an infant's amusement, measured the passing of time by virtue of their depletion. Sometimes I could count almost five and then seven swinging vaguely above me at 4 am. I remember the first, hand-held high above me when I arrived via ambulance at the ER, the gurney accelerating as a voice exclaims on the color of my hands "they're blue!". Another voice (deeper) virtually yells out into the chaos that she can't get a pulse. Several pairs of scissors begin simultaneously to cut off my clothes, their shears working their way upward like army ants from pant cuff and shirt-sleeve, a formulaic move for the ER staff which, despite its routine, still retains a sense of impromptu in the hurriedness of the cutting both deft and crude, in the sound of their increased breathing, of their efforts intensified by my blood pressure dropping, the numbers shouted out as if into night fog and ocean. It's not a lack of professionalism but the wager of emotional investment that I feel. One attendant, losing her aplomb for a moment, can't contain herself from remarking (as if I'm already post-mortem) on what a great bra I have; "Stretch lace demi-cup, Victoria's Secret," I respond politely in my head. In turn, when they put the oxygen tube into my nose I thought immediately of Ali McGraw on her death bed in Love Story and how good she looked in one. And then the catheter where I pissed continually into a bottle like a paraplegic let me in on the male fear of castration my focus centered entirely on that tube, its vulnerable rigging which I held onto tenderly throughout the night like something dying against my thigh or something birthing. I held on though the IV in my forearm overextended with a kind of pleading, the needle hooked deep into a mainstream vein the way in deep sea fishing lines are cast into the darkest water, my body thrashing about in the riverweed of its fluids. The translucent infrastructure of IVs and oxygen tubes superimposed itself upon me like a body double, more virulent and cold, like Leda pinned and broken by her swan, like the abandoned and organ-failed regarding its superior soul ascend. So completely and successfully reconfigured within its technological construct my body proper no longer existed, my vital signs highlighted in neon preceded the spiraling vortex of my interiority, the part of me people will say later that that's what they loved when they roam about in the cramped rare book library of their memory for a couple of minutes and think of "Tory". Movement can only be accounted in shadows, Virilio informs us, the reconciliation of oneself in one's disappearance. An anachronistic sundial, I turn my profile and the fluorescence falls unfractured, unmediated onto the postmodern tenebrism of absence against absence, my quickened inhalations against my backless gown. My love for you, my love, for my friends, untethers and floats, snaps apart and off me like the I.V. tubes and monitor wires the flailed arms of an octopus unfolding without gravity, as I reach up in a Frankensteinian effort to shut off my monitors, the constant alarming of the human prototype my own body keeps rejecting, while death moves closer, a benign presence. It stands respectfully just outside the perimeters of my life and adjusts itself the way the supervising nurse did the monitor perimeters to suit my declining vital signs so I could get some sleep. I felt a relationship with death, a communication, it was more familiar than I ever imagined, what I had always returned to as the sign of me, the self we attribute to the mysterious and perfectly ordered Romantic notion of origin. What I'm trying to say is that it was not foreign. It was not foreign, but it was not a homecoming either. There was no god, no other land, no beyond; no amber, no amethyst, no avatar. But there was a suspension, there was an adieu to recognition to the shoes of those I love, like Van Gogh's, a pair but alone the voices of loved ones, their tones, their intonations, like circulation, closed-circuited but effective. There was a listless but clear-thinking comfort that into my own eyes I would go, although not "into" in the Bachelardian sense which implies diminishment; there was none of that. It was just the opposite: expansion but without a pioneer's vision. What we regard as the "self" extended itself, but I wouldn't say in a winged way, over the Bosch-like landscape of brutal interactions and physical pain and car alarms and the eternal drilling of disappointment the exigent descendence of everyday that everyday you peer down or up its daunting staircase, nauseous with vertigo gathering like straw the rudimentary characteristics of courage, gumption, innovation and faking it to the hilt like a hilarious onslaught of sham orgasms. Transcendence might be the term Emerson would lend it. What I'm trying to say is that it wasn't lonely.
Tory Dent - 1958-2005
for Thomas Nash, M.D.
Too many times have I with the sun on my back, flamboyant, heinously direct, rocked, wrung hands, my shaking head refuged in a now-wet Bounty paper towel or institutionalized inside the free-space of my bedroom that opens like a file on my computer screen with that which I'm constantly trying to put a name to, the way faces in my past automatically assign to themselves signifying feelings. Like a shot of B12 effective only if injected intramuscularly I am neutralized as a naming vehicle by this pressure that cannot be extracted like a billboard or wisdom tooth. No torii erects itself as gateway to the totem of experience, no descriptive alloy exists to transform or rebirth the most primitive and bare-boned, the referential instability of physical pain no human agency speaks successfully in lieu of. Gritty locks felled into the sloth of tears, their salty aftermarks imbricating my face, a kind of warrior's mask of a warrior's failure afore the clandestine ideal of physical perfection: O poster of Marky Mark that posits itself like an Aryan agenda against every public bus, a tableau of prayer ossified for us to emulate. Celebrities represent what Grecian gods were once. "Life quality" tropes the category doctors refer to with fake jocularity: a terse smile, a quick nod, not cavalierly, really, but with no affinity either. While I present, in crude form like an outhouse, an ideology, a practicum my pretty breasts should make for its manifest example, but all the while there is this pressure, iconic in nature to modify it paradoxically, an omniscience, high-noon hot, slutty, demonic hologram embossed like Bergman's Seventh Seal on the Silly Putty shape of my heart. The muscle adapts, adopts the image as if the imagined face of a Bosnian orphan, the brow-swept features twisted and bathed in a mucus for which its tiny tributary paths serve as the deaf, dumb, and blind substitution for the mature articulation of longing and hate. The child cries; the diastole blooms in branding exaction. The child sleeps while pellets of sun cinder twitch and wink on the horizon; the systole deflates, erects as if a l'oiseau de Paradis in order to convey the agony of form in the rigor of its stem, or freak flowering, an ugly orange. My physician's intelligent brow reframes behind his desk with diacritic distinction like the beard of Zeus appearing within a cloud, a fated fetus within the belly of its turbid future. Like a reversing falls framed and frozen forced to hiatus by virtue of the very process of its reversing action so does the pressure to live and the pressure to die halt momentarily and present, as if a utilized gift certificate from the three wise men, a Marlboro man genie, the mirage-like sense of an empty room, its empirical standard: "peace of mind" charretted into a tangible utopia, an echo-chamber of existential thought that operates like the Mecca vision of regarding a fish tank while on morphine where I am able to walk unbothered for a while as if along a long, white beach. Where I am able to stand and contemplate my life, the concept and its definitions. Where I am able to close my eyes and revel in the memory, the voice and face the jokes, the silences, the passion, the fights, of someone I loved deeply who died. Where trapped in the tar gut of solitary confinement I wake and am no longer blind. I inspect my life line, its silly prescience, on the breathing moon-surface of my palm, yet alert to any irregularity that might augur some imminent abortion. The Bic fine point remains poised for further notation on the indecipherable list of questions and comments I've arranged for this consultation, but ineffectually for no amount of brainstorming could bulwark permanently this pressure built with superhuman innovation and efficiency as the Egyptians did their pyramids; before the pushing and the turning and the typhoon-like whirling starts up again. It both buoys and sinks with me inside it, bad poem scrolled inside a Pepsi bottle, gaining and losing, I sleep and lose sleep and rethink and rethink the perimeters, the scientific course of which I know nothing and yet must know something by now, more than the wet Bounty paper towel. What I know is the pressure, the stranglehold of sadistic knees, the Devil's compression into the soles of my feet, scalding spittle of gods that mimic my buffoonery, the bullet-proof sky, the ongoing erasure of the earth and those enfolded within it, innocuous as a tidal cove, so complacent and measured. What I know is that the only way to stabilize is to ride through it, a raft regaining its equilibrium in white-shark rapids, a lesser stone, bespeckled pebble amidst a chortling brook's current or contending ego within the rock-throwing forces dark feelings resort to in the narcissistic forum of their past belittlement. What I know is the two rivers, the patient's and my own, that fork like a divining rod toward some essentially healing source. What I know is that I'm both people, one sick and one well, contending with the ongoing struggle of trying to save myself. The x-ray glows extraterrestrial and nefarious in the late December blackness that infiltrates my physician's office and obscures all other objects and details other than his head, my x-ray, his desk lamp, and that strange, uncurtained window that seems to erase all at once, in one glance, my hope of long term survival. My torso, decapitated and cut off at the elbows, shifts in and out of focus as if a Jane Doe resurfacing after days in the silt and oily waters of the Hudson. "Look, an infection," my doctor declares with index finger pointed in discovery. I blink twice, straining for recognition as I do with any picture of myself. The shadow he refers to bursts white and translucent and upon first impression it appears optimistic as if a good omen were growing like an orchid in my bosom. My impulse is to be alone with the x-ray like a loved one and the incarcerated, to press the picture of my unhealthy lung against its double but breathing one. What I know is the desire to resuscitate, mouth to mouth, open the dank jaws, the partisan skin, as if beheld behind venetian blinds, zebra strips of soaked hair and brown seaweed strewn across the face, and bring back as if to carry back in time the fainting subject, the feminine form worn out from the fight. Her arms and feet flag like pigeons, her weight, letter-light along my overdeveloped forearms, their destiny as once sophomoric I dreamt it now drawn and quartered into an array of listless limbs kicked up into a cloud, gray-blue and particle- stained, of a hoof-clad road where a mare's distancing tail delineates in the dusk evidence given in its disappearance, the myth of originary wholeness.