Sunday afternoon on a city beach. No sand, slabs of manufactured stone. I watch two blondes, maybe sisters, Inflate a raft. They use a bicycle pump. One tries to assemble two paddles, Gives up, puts them in her bag. The one on the pump removes her top. She has exerted herself into better posture. Her breasts are larger than I expected. I want to see if their tiny raft will hold them. The clouds and current move north. As they enter the water, Tony Allen warns Against the boat journey: Running away From a misery / Find yourself in a double misery. I recall photos of British tourists in Greece Frowning at refugees, Greek children in gym class while hungry. In the direction the raft floats, the sisters Paddling with their hands, a planetarium. I wonder if it houses a telescope capable Of seeing the double misery on a Greek island. Maybe its lens is too powerful. The side of their raft reads EXPLORER. Their soles are black. If you pay attention To movies, white women have grimy soles. I have seen black actresses with exquisite feet. I recall my mother checking my socks In the exam room before the doctor entered. The sisters let their ponytails drag In dubious lake water. I’m not sure I hear these lyrics: Even if They let you enter / They probably won’t let you. Even if they let you enter / The baron won’t let you, The baron won’t let you. I note their appearances, Takeoff point. Just in case. I doubt any of our thoughts converge. What is it like to be so free? To drift in water in a country you call Your own. Unprepared because you can laugh Into an official’s face. Explain, offer no apology.
I was under the kitchen table, guessing who was at the sink by how they used water when I heard my mother say to my father, what about this job, that one, those people, did they call? And my father said, everyone says no. I see all the doors but none of them will open. My mother said, maybe we just haven’t found the right key, I’ll go look for it. They laughed for a long time. Their toes looked at each other. Maybe they forgot the bag of keys in the crooked-mouth dresser. I lined up the keys on a windowsill, metal on metal on my fingers until they smelled like missing teeth. I looked at the best one: large cursive F, a scarlet ribbon tied to it. It had two teeth, like my baby sister. I tried the little door behind the community center. Then the big-kids door at my school. The shed of a house with a backyard so large the family could never see me. I got grass and sand and an ignorant pebble in my shoe. Dust climbed up my pants so I could spit-spell my name on my leg when resting. I went back to our neighborhood. There was a black cloud over it while the nice neighborhood down the hill shone. A girl said our house was darkest and the first raindrops fell on it because we’re all going to hell. When I told my father he said it was “isolated” or “separated” storms. So it was true we were set apart for a punishment. The next day dozens of dead flying ants covered our patio. I took all the keys and tried all the doors in the abandoned mall. One unlocked. It was a room with white walls, floor, ceiling. White squares of wood flat or leaning in every corner. The door closed behind me and no key would work. Maybe the room would swallow me and I’d get invisible if I didn’t stop screaming but then a surprised guy, white, wearing white, opened the door. I wanted to try one more time but my keys disappeared and everyone said they were never real.