In the Absence of Sparrows
Rockets concuss. Guns rattle off. Dogs in a public square feed on dead horses. I don’t know, Jim, where you are. When did you last see birds? The winter sky in Boston is gray with flu. Newspapers, senators, friends, even your mom on Good Morning America— no one knows where you are. It’s night, cold and bruised, where you are. Plastic twine binds your hands. You wait and pray, pray and wait, but this is where the picture goes gray. We don’t know, Jim, where you are. * In the absence of sparrows: a crowd of friends and family gather in Rochester, New Hampshire to recite the holy rosary. * We keep your picture on the kitchen table, pack of American Spirits, airplane bottle of Scotch, a copy of Krapp’s Last Tape. Don’t get me wrong; we expect you back. Skinny, feral, coffee eyes sunken but alive, you’ve always come back, from Iraq, Syria, Afghanistan, even Libya after Gaddafi’s forces captured and held you for 44 days. You tracked time scratching marks with your zipper on prison walls, scrawling notes on cigarette boxes, reciting the Koran with other prisoners. Then, you called. DJ, it’s Jimmy…I’m in New Hampshire, brother! I wanted to break your fucking nose. We ate lobster rolls, instead, on a picnic bench by Boston Harbor. You made a quick round of TV shows, packed your camera and Arabic phrasebook. You skipped town on a plane to Turkey. We talked once. You said you’d play it safe. The connection was lost. * In the absence of sparrows: American journalist James Foley disappeared after being taken captive by armed gunmen near Aleppo, Syria on Thanksgiving Day. In the absence of sparrows: our house burns blue with news. * Winter solstice, 1991. You turned donuts, drinking beers, in a snowy public lot next to the lake. Girls yelped. You cranked the Pixies louder, cut the lights, and steered Billy’s grandma’s Chrysler onto the Winnipesaukee ice. The moon flamed bright as a county coroner’s light. You revved the station wagon’s engine. Billy tied a yellow ski rope off the hitch, flashed a thumbs up, and you punched the gas—5, 15, 20, 25 miles per hour— towing Billy, skating in high-top sneakers, across the frozen lake. Chill air filled his lungs. Billy pumped his fist. You torqued the wheel left. Triumphant, you honked and flashed the lights. You took a swig of Heineken and wheeled the wood-paneled station wagon in a wide-arcing turn to pick up Billy, bloodied but standing. People do reckless things but your friends dubbed you the High King of Foolish Shit. The nose of Billy’s grandma’s Chrysler broke the ice. You jammed it into reverse. Bald tires spinning, you flung yourself from the car. In seconds, it was gone. You gave Billy’s grandma a potted mum and a silver balloon. Standing on her screened-in porch, you mumbled an apology. What am I supposed to do now? she asked. What the hell do I do now? * In the absence of sparrows: when falling snow, out the window, looks like radio waves, your face appears, your baritone laugh. * August 31, 2004 We read Abbie Hoffman, 1968, watched Panther documentaries, The Weather Underground, and packed our bandanas, first aid kits, fat markers, maps and signs for New York City. A31, they called it, a day of direct action, a time to heave ourselves on the gears of an odious machine. We marched, drumming and chanting, half a million strong, through the streets of Lower Manhattan. Worst President Ever, A Texas Village Has Lost Its Idiot. Protestors carried a flotilla of flag-covered coffins. We hoisted homemade signs and cried out, Whose streets? Our streets? No justice, no peace! I’d packed sandwiches, water, mapped restrooms along the parade route, inked the hotline for Legal Services on your forearm and mine. You, my wild half brother, packed only a one hitter, notepad, and pen. When the parade snaked past the New York Public Library, we peeled off to confront 20 cops in riot gear blocking entry with batons drawn. We took position on the library steps. Stone-still, inches from police, we held our signs stamped with a student gagged by padlock and chain. I could feel breath on my neck. We narrowly escaped arrest, then streamed toward the Garden, a ragtag troop of 200. We evaded barricades. Cut down alleys. At Herald Square, only blocks from the Republican Convention, cops on mopeds cut us off. They rolled out a bright orange snow fence, hundreds of yard long, then zip cuffed us, one by one. I called Ebele. You called your brother, set to be married in just three days. His best man, you were headed to jail. “I’ll be there Friday for the golf outing,” you vowed, a cop cutting your phone call short. They took you first. Threw you on a city bus headed to Pier 14 on the Hudson, a giant garage stinking of axel grease and gasoline. Stepping off the bus, I scanned hundreds of faces staring through chain link, newly erected and topped with concertina wire. I couldn’t find you. I can’t. They transferred me, in soapy light, to the Tombs, Manhattan’s city jail, and freed me after 24 hours to wander the streets. I peered in Chinese restaurants, seedy Canal Street bars, called your cell phone from a payphone, trekked to Yago’s apartment in Spanish Harlem, eager to crack beers, to begin weaving the story we would always tell. You were not there. Waiting outside the Tombs, I missed my flight home. Waiting, I smoked your cigarettes on the fire escape. They held you and held you. You are missing still. I want to hold you. Beauty is in the streets, my brother. Beauty is in the streets. * In the absence of sparrows: trash fires, a call to prayer. Dusk. Rockets whistling, plastic bags taking flight. In the absence of sparrows: all of a sudden, you appear. Standing before a cinder block wall, you’re holding a video camera with a boom mic and wearing a bulletproof vest. In the absence of sparrows: the front page story says you’ve been missing since November 22, 2012. Everything else it doesn’t say. In the absence of sparrows: you simply wandered off, past the Sunoco, pockets stuffed. The door to your apartment is open still—
© 2014 Daniel Johnson.