ma says we cant take flowers to papi’s grave this year

by Deverly Perez
 
 
 december 4th over 21 years
 

they buried you in
 Talpa even
 though you lived
 in Tijuana with us
 
 you were not even buried
 in your home town
 but in the closest city
 to El Llano Alto
 the 17-person village you grew up in
 
 and if i know one thing
 it is that your spirit wouldnt be caught dead walking in Talpa

3.
 taking the taxi
            the    bus
              the
              taxi
              again
 is hard enough alone
   with 2 toddlers
 it is impossible
 

15.
 she begs me to have a
   quinceañera
 with the dress
 the church service the
   photographer
 even the father-daughter waltz
 
 7.
 she is putting our lives in cardboard boxes
   taped and neatly labeled
 with too-thin painter’s tape
   but one
 is missing a label
 and left outside the apartment
 as we pack up the car to drive north
   but before we leave
 in orange crayon
 i write your name on it
 
 18.
 mami buys me gold helium                                 balloons
 
 and tía makes my favorite cake chocolate
   with coffee frosting
              also your favorite that night
 
 i go into the kitchen and cut a piece for you
   and place it on my nightstand
 as an offering
   as a sorry
 
 8.
 she says my stepdad’s dad passed away
   we have to go to his funeral
 but she doesnt say stepdad
   she says dad
 she forgets
              he is not my dad and
                like his dad
                          my dad is dead too
 
 20.
 i spent the day laying
   on the twin xl in my
   dorm room
 two thousand eight hundred sixty nine
   miles
 from where you lay
 
 21.
 i didn’t ask this year
   and 3 days later
 mom sent flowers for my birthday


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