How To Be A Vegetable or Nothing At All

by Julia Sharman
1. Get in the car and drive
a. Count every headlight
b. Some of them are missing
i.  One of them is yours
2.  End up at a gas station in the middle of nowhere
a.  Try not to stare at every stranger
b.  Piss in the bathroom
c.  Buy a pack of cigarettes and a giant Slurpee
d.  Apologize to the body of the fly stuck in the fluorescent light
3.   Keep driving
4.   Pull over on the side of the highway
a.  Sit on the hood of the car with the items you’ve bought
b.  Drink the Slurpee until your brain has frozen over
c.  Smoke
i.  You don’t have a lighter
d.  Dip two cigarettes into your drink
i.  For a brief moment, consider eating them
ii.  Throw them on the ground
1.  Pick them up and apologize to the Earth
5.   Have a conversation with the moon
a.  She sees you
6.   Turn around and go home
7.   Walk through the door and greet your cat
a.  Remember you don’t have a cat
8.   Sit in the bathtub
a.  Count every hair on your body
b.  None of them are missing
i.  All of them are yours
9.  Don’t be a boy or a girl
10.  Go to the kitchen and make a sandwich
a.  Use all the condiments in your fridge
b.  Break apart the fresh head of lettuce
i.  Rub it on your skin
ii.  Wear it as a hat
iii.  Wear it as a mask
1.  You are now the lettuce