Incoming Message1:
by Anna Schmeer
“They2 could use3 your4 freakiness5 to
power6 a moderately7 sized city8.”
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1So much time has been wasted in slumber (in waiting). I don’t even know what I am waiting for anymore. I think I know the answers to the questions I am afraid to ask, but all I know is this empty alone-ness and I cower in the corner (naked, afraid). There will never be an us (as in you and I) and I know this yet I sit on the pyre and wait for you to bring the torch or the knife to cut me free. Agony? Set me alight! You exist (i exist) to do my (your) will.
2Who is this being, this other, who has a claim over my mind and soul? I hear the whispers, I see the shadows. They creep into the darkened corners of my words (I mourn them when they go). The hinges on my heart are in desperate need of oiling and yet I cannot close the door (there is too much flesh).
3Use, used, useful (make much of me). If the ship is torn apart plank by plank, am I still the same soul? The planks can be set on fire and the ashes can be scattered across the sea and eventually will make it back to land. Wanting to be a siren does not make one. You are immune to my voice but it wasn’t always like that. Remember, remember. Do you remember?
4Suck the sweet marrow out of my bones; there is no more need for my body to be my property. Take it (take it)! Use it (use it)! I have no desire to look into the mirror anymore. This body can be yours if you ask it of me. Mold me (mold me)! Use me (use me)!
5all you have to do is ask but I will still be afraid and it scares me that you Are not (you are merely huMan; why should I fear you?). ask me (hold me). love me (own me). the last time you saw me i was on my knees (in prayer) and the blood was pooling around my lips (stinging, singing). eat me, drink me, love me (make much of me). my teeth are no match for your hungry hands. carnal desire, rip away my flesh. Eat me! suck the juices that run in rivulets out of my mouth and down my chest. Drink me! tell me how you see me, for i am blind to myself and need you to mimic my song. Love me! i will let you. Make much of me! if you only ask.
6Show me (show me) a raised fist. Show me (show me) the scars upon your back. I beg (plead) and yet you still refuse. You have memorized the steps to this dance and so you lead (I follow). My balance is shaky (will you catch me?) Lead me (show me). Guide me (blindfold me and walk me to the bow). Bind me (bind to me).
7Learn to temper your expectations, she says. Learn to be disappointed. Learn to love in moderation (you are too intense, you are too much, you Are). Beat my breast with closed hand and lament amongst the rocks and olive trees. My God, My God! Why have you forsaken Me (Why have you abandoned Me?)? Loathe me (loathe me). Wring the blood out of my hair and twist it around a dull knife. This will hurt (it will not be over quickly).
8The visiting shadow is afraid of the fire-light. I no longer see you in the darkness but I will wait for you to reach me (reach for me). Is this too freaky for you? Am I too freaky for you? Should I turn down the volume on my thoughts, voice, heartbeat and let you mold me into a woman of clay? Claim me, mold me, make much of me. I hardly know myself these days. Do you know who I am (tell me what to do)? Do you see through me (tell me who to be)? Take my rib out of my side (breathe into me, fulfill me).