how to get worse
by jack gaulter
first spend years getting better
have them tell you you’re not alright
so you try your best to be every day
and grind your teeth flat every night
let your anger fester and swell
carve it into the inside of your cheek
hold it there like a chipmunk
storing food for later
until there is no room for it but out
onto the shoulders of these eggshell walkers
these smooth talkers
you have made into your support beams
let them buckle
let the ceiling come down
get acquainted to the rubble
and hate whoever comes to dig you out
because you know that you just don’t
deserve to be found
so just drink!
drink to forget!
drink to get drunk
drink what your pill bottles beg you not to
drink these chemical mixers at
these mixers you can’t miss,
reconvene afterwards over the toilet
(your own private mixer!)
share stories into the porcelain
with your oldest friend
your final destination
alcoholism isn’t a joke
but sobriety is -
i forget the punch line
and skip to the front instead
drink the whole bowl
and offer whoever spiked it a blowjob
and yes, sleep around! have sex!
have so much of it that you hate yourself
and hate sex –
offer it up when their patience is thin
because you’re sure they always just want to
force it in
and whether that’s actually true or just
delusion
you can’t and won’t ever know for certain
but still, when you’re with them,
you better be enough!
you better make sure there are no goings to
get tough
better become something you hate, you hate,
you hate,
and be like a funhouse mirror for every boy
that you date
do it immediately, as soon as they ask
or maybe first take a sip from your flask
fuck them while you’re frozen
trapped in your mind
and then cut them off before they can leave
you behind
so be lonely and deserve it!
burn that shit into your skin!
and don’t you dare let your inner narcissist
win
whatever they did to you
do it to yourself, now
and whatever you did to them
do it to yourself, now
over and over
until it sinks in
that you are your father’s son
through and through,
tried and true,
and the cycle will repeat itself with you