The Voicemails I Don’t Leave You

by Kaylee Renfrew



I talked to Rachel last night.
I can almost see the scowl you’d make
if I told you.
But you loved her once too,
I know you did.
And I can only miss
so many people at once.
I almost instantly regretted it,
if that makes you feel justified.

Joey is getting married.
To that girl he went to basic with.
He’s in Germany, she’s in Florida.
What do you think of that?
Some base in Montana
is marrying them online.
I didn’t even think Montana had
good enough cell service for that.
Do you remember? Me in Montana?
God we couldn’t talk for days.

Your sister called me.
I almost wish she wouldn’t.
It would be easier, you know?
To be able to forget that part
of my life. Past Me, New Me.
She’s too young to understand
that she’s collateral damage in something
she has no power to change.

I met this Marine.
I met him on the highway, and
in different circumstances, I think
you would find the story funny.
My mom likes him,
but I think it’s just because he reminds
her of Tyler.
She’s just happy to have a soldier to feed,
even if it’s not her own son.
He smiles at me,
and I search his face for your dimples.
But all I find is crooked teeth.

Anyway, I’m putting my makeup
on now, and was just thinking
of the days you used to watch
me in the mirror.
I have a date tonight.
I am trying to convince myself
to be okay.
Lipstick as my shield.
I think I still love you,


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