must look so small, undetectable even,
from the vantage point where I imagine 

a god could see me, and I do sometimes  
imagine a god like a sentient star

out beyond where our instruments 
could find it, then I talk myself 

out of the image. Out of the concept
entirely. From a distance, I know 

I’m an ant tunneling my way 
through sand between plastic panels, 

watched—or not—from outside. 
My puny movements on this planet, 

all the things I’ve done or built 
with my own body or mind, seem 

like nothing at all. But from the inside 
this life feels enormous, unlimited 

by the self—by selfness—
vaster even than the sparkling 

dark it can’t be seen from.

^{i.m. Paula Merwin}

All this time, I felt like I had to describe 
the things I did, and what was done to me,
how I had to wander a strange world for years, 
needing to be busy, sleeping in strange beds, 
searching through cities for chapels to weep in, 
learning the stitches that keep a ripped heart 
together for a while, when what I really need 
to say is that it rained all night and morning, 
and the drops were a percussion on the trees,
and after the sun rose, I saw an insect land on the railing 
and take shelter, and a bird drank from a leaf. 
Wild pigs exploded from the bushes where they’d hid,
and the sage in the bowl smelt of memory and musk.
A toad sat—still as any god—on the wet stone.

Count me among the noon risers who stumble,
dazed and bad-haired, from the nest midday,
pecking the crazed dirt for half-torn moth, 
pear’s white core, severed worm. I’ve never 
been one to trill at chink of dawn, to hop, 
skip, chirrup before full sun. I’m better 
at picking over crumbs, stitching a quilt
from what’s left, remaindered, given up
for gone. Better at betting the careless 
will miss the best. Count me among
the nightbirds who sip starlight, a guitar’s
fading strains. Find me where moondust 
swirls in streetlamp glow and stray dogs sleep.
What clings to the bone is most sweet.

^{for Can}

I love the slow, tender
hooved gallop behind my left
nipple & how it turns me
into less a prisoner; prisoner
once, now a man less burdened 
by time. I love the rust & callous, the half
of it that makes me weep.
I love my lashes like scimitars,
the scar above my left eye
shaped by a fallen tree branch
& staring too long at the sun. I love
how g-d outlasts belief. I love 
the tooth chipped sliding along
the stone of a mango; 
the brokenness my body coupling 
with hers won’t fashion. I love 
the ridge that parts my bald head.
The days of whisky pickling
my liver. I love eleven rings
on my fingers. The two moons
on each fingernail. I love
all my eclipses. How my history 
begs for song from crackheads 
& soothsayers. I love this prayer,
this sin-eater or ghost or madman
humming to my soul. I love discursive 
& juxtaposition & the alchemy turning 
words into the only parachutes 
I long for. This body long been 
a troubled river. I love the storm. 
The weary. The thousand wild
cicadas. I love every invention,
every windmill turned monster.
I love how I know the deluge; 
how most likely I shall see it coming; 
or if, the empty of its absence. I love 
these two livers. This sac of humor,
this broken vinyl scratched
& spinning, & that one paladin
who refuses to let me be lonely.

Twenty-five summers ago
I wrote a poem about the summer ending,
the shadows lengthening, and the light
gone soft and elegiac
like the end of a love song.
It joined roughly a million poems
written that summer alone
on the same subject, but in Spanish
or Japanese, or Swahili,
always the same thing, same shadows
lengthening, same soft light,
and I ended my poem, twenty five years ago,
by saying that the back of my hand
had begun to look like a dead leaf
or the back of someone else’s hand.
And this is just a shout out to say
to that version of me, a quarter
century ago, that the hand in question
looks even more like a dead leaf, even more 
like the back of someone else’s hand,
but—and this is crucial, the importance
of this next observation cannot
be overstated—the strange old hand
is still here, still enduring, still writing itself
into itself.

My boyfriend will eat
an entire apple in one sitting.
Peel, pulp, core. Hands me
the stem when he’s done.
Seeds in his gut. The calyx
a dank star. An orchard grows
inside him. The tongue
that slicks the skin. Hands
perfumed with bruised sugar.
His kisses a tender lament.
The heart that glows. How he takes
everything the fruit offers
and leaves nothing
but the stem. I let my body
follow. Set my jaw soft.
Rapt, greedy, this devotion.
Tough armor. Red glow. Yellow
flesh. Every bite a fall
from grace.

^{for Sean Ferguson}

The mother laid her boy to sleep
in a laundry hamper. Its weave curved 
around his head just as the glow 
of a dying planet had curved 
around Kal-El, another boy ejected 
into space. Buckled into 
the seat of her stationwagon, 
the hamper traveled north, as far 
from the panhandle as Ephrata, Washington, 
no father for miles. For her boy 
his mother packed the stroller, 
a painting, and all the towels 
in the damp rowhouse near the airforce base. 
For her boy she drove eleven days. 
Now the boy is forty, he lives 
in LA, he’s learned to love 
without caution. She lives alone, 
she attends church twice a week. 
The minister argues that hers 
is a heroism of the natural order 
overthrown: the patriarch gone mad, 
the son preserved to replace him. 
Yet the mother sees the little stories 
curtained by the great. She is certain 
that, during those eleven days of driving, 
she was mythic. They were mythic. 
Mary and Christ. Jessica and Paul. 
Heroine and hero, together in flight. 

I tell people I have the yellows. 

Gelatinous shade of Omega 3 capsules 
with their fish oil aftertaste and films 
about angry White men in Bangladesh, 
placid shade of egg salad 
left out long after the picnic is done, 
oppressive shade of summer joy 
dulled by the blade of thirst. 
Colour of get what you want but not what you need, 
Van Gogh’s stars, bile and birdseed,
sedate heart of chamomile, the chaff of wheat,
smile-shaped scar showing its betadine teeth.
Best paired with May’s gulmohars, 
bleeding into sky, staining streets, 
koyals whistling themselves to sludge-thick sleep. 
I tell people love is easy. It’s the way the body 
will leaven and rise and crack to keep love fed
that really makes you weep. 

Happy tears?  people ask. So happy.
I tell them my gratitude is like the sun. 
In turns it ripens, in turns it spoils.

And isn’t everything risk?

The beloved lives 
Then dies,
Then (if we’re lucky) 
Rises again 
Into a poem or song

Or into the world 
In some other form 
Impossible to predict.

Simplest story, oldest tale: 

Sparrows sing it
From every hedge;

And swallows, also, 
From their nests on the ledge.