Answering A Letter from The Past
by Murphy O. Dasari
Você está viva? [Are you alive?]
Yes, I’m alive.
Qual seu nome? [What’s your name?]
I go by Murphy now. I hope you like it.
O'Que você faz? [What do you do?]
I do all the things you do; and much like you always wrote for me, I’m always writing for you.
Quem são seus amigos? [Who are your friends?]
Julia and Heloisa. Yes, the list hasn’t grown in size, but now it has roots that twist and turn and hug all my bones. These roots are strong, and they support me when I write, when I play and when I draw.
Você está viva? [Are you alive?]
Yes, I feel like I’m alive now.
Você conseguiu? [Did you do it?]
What I want is different from what you want. But if I dig and dig; if I break my nails digging and make a mess; if I break the lock and open the casket, I will find that we want the same thing.
Você é feliz? [Are you happy?]
…
…breathing is easier nowadays.
Você está com raiva? [Are you angry?]
I’m angry everyday. Just like you, I burn and I break and I bite. In spite of that, when I am at my angriest, when I foam at the mouth, that’s when the sky is the brightest, and my friends the merriest, and the trees are breathing.
Você está triste? [Are you sad?]
Not as much as you. In fact, every now and then I will be hiding under my bed, waiting for the house to collapse and shatter my body; and then I remember I’m not you, and breathe a sigh of relief.
Você está chorando? [Are you crying?]
I wish I was. I wish it was easier for me to cry. Maybe you cried enough for both of us. Maybe you felt your feelings so intensely that now I can’t feel mine at all. Of all things, of all music, of all movies, of all stories, I thought you would be able to make me cry.
Você está viva? [Are you alive?]
I need you to know that I’m alive. You will never know but I think about you everyday. I wish I could talk to you and touch your hand and tell you that I am alive. You will never know that I still dye my hair, that I’m still bad at painting my nails, that I still use hand fans in the summer. I need you to know that I’m alive and listening to Orange Colored Sky by Nat King Cole. Alive and being bad at cooking. Alive and walking barefoot around the house.
Alive. Alive. Alive.