and i return to the field
that i never leave          other boys 
are here too          stamping the bruise-dark grass
one of us stands alone     between posts
and waits for the rest       to rifle
a ball through the dark      and toward the net
he defends               security lights
from the school     on the embankment 
above us     cast angles and shadows      that cut 
through our bodies
and abstract them          all i have learned
up till now     is fear 
                                     of opaque windows 
in houses outside the fence          of headlights
to lone cars that pass     leaving a wake
of deeper dark          of the neighbor nightwalking
his brindled, snarl-jawed dog          of other boys     
laughing and taunting     before their volleys     
bullet     toward and beyond the boy guarding the net          
of myself    how i understand no choice
but to join them
                             then     i am called     
to stand between the posts    
and what else can I do
                                      when i am there     
other boys strike     the one ball
shared between us     and it sidewinds      
out of the dark     hurtling above or around or 
sometimes straight at me     
                                           and what else 
can i do     crouched in my place 
and ready to throw my body     
after the ball      as it rips out of the night
but raise my own laughter    against them
the boys     arrayed 20 yards away     and aiming 
for my failure     but ring out with a taunting 
glee of my own     
                          until i call another boy 
to his turn     and walk back to the edge 
of the group     and wait to stand over the ball
and hope     to make the new boy     
lay down his body    for our game     as i 
have laid down mine          
                                    and      at the end of it     
what else can i do     but return the shoves 
of other boys     as we send each other 
away     in a gesture we refuse to name      as love
and slip through      the fence gap 
where we first snuck in      and leave 
the field i can never leave     and     all my fear intact     
be gone